I keep hearing Tom Petty’s “Free-fallin’” —
It’s about a sweet girl who “loves Jesus and America too”… but this guy, clearly a former boyfriend, breaks up with her despite her goodness – and doesn’t even miss her…
He’s freeeeeeee, free-fallin’….
I love Jesus.
I love what America could be.
But I’m also the guy.
‘Cause I am breaking up with my-self, despite my goodness – and I’m not sure I’m gonna even miss me.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to be good, making sure everyone around me is happy, comfortable.
Even when it’s at my own expense.
Basically, I live a lie.
Sounds harsh. I mean it to… lying is not good.
Lying to others is not beneficial. Lying to my-self is so not cool.
I never started out with the express intention to lie.. To others. To my-self. It just kind of unpacked that way. I’m a feeler. I can’t stand if others aren’t happy, if they’re upset, if they’re off-kilter. Because I can pick up on their vibe so easily, I know what it is they need me to say or do to keep the status quo and to keep them in their happy space. (As a kid, my folks divorced. I think this scared me into thinking that people leave… which they do… but not wanting to be abandoned again because that was painful and squeezed me tight, I learned to keep the boat afloat. By any means necessary. Like, ya know, lying.)
I never knew this was going on within me until, well, yesterday. I finished reading a book by Augusten Burroughs called THIS IS HOW. He unpacks how to survive the unsurviveable. Within it, he unpacks the necessity of being honest, living in Now and not in Yesterday’s Shit, refusing to be a victim, choosing not to be an addict, and finding/losing love.
It kicked me in the face and then kicked me on my ass. Brutal. Just fucking brutal.
I ate up every word. Pink highlighter all over the damn place.
And so… now knowing my propensity to lie, I must sit with the truth of how I’ve chosen to use my energy and time… and decide how the next season is going to unpack.
Scary shit right here.
And this sucks.
Big donkey balls, as my running partner says.
(insert pic of donkey balls here)
**hope that made you smile… or least wonder…**
I’m going to have to tell some people NO so that I can say YES to me.
I hate being scared.
I’m scared of being hated.
For putting others second.
Leap of faith.
Leap of crazy.
What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?
Augusten writes: it does not take COURAGE to make a change… it takes LOVE.
….. ‘Cause I’m freeeeeee, free-fallin’………………..
Energiegal here… Love works. LIFT the vibe of our world.