May 10th, birthday gratitude entry:
Have you ever met someone and thought, “Yup, we’re Tribe. I will know yer ass forever”?
Twice. I’ve met the guy freaking two times, and yet he made my list of the 50-ish most influential peeps to date in my life.
Jeff Smith. Astrologist. Intuitive. Encourager. All-around Swell Dude.
I was resisting what I knew I was being urged to do, to hop onto Facebook and let myself be seen, heard. The thought of visibility sent my whole being into FREAKOUT. God knows why, but I found myself drawn to Jeff’s store and what I believed was his ability to reassure me. Both times, I was heard, treated with respect and humor, and encouraged.
Jeff: Why are you here?
Jeff: I hardly think that’s it.
Jeff: Girl, you just gotta go do what you already know you gotta go do.
Me: But I’m afraid.
Jeff: Afraid? Of what?
Jeff: (eyes rolling) Honey, get a grip. We’re all there. But you put yourself out there anyway.
Me: What if they don’t like me?
Jeff: (shrugging) Fuck ‘em.
There was a million more words in our conversation… but these stuck with me the deepest. They resonated Truth and something in me breathed deeply for the first time in forever. Rising up, I had vision and could sense a Power within me stirring.
Oh. My. God. Eyes closed and under the covers, letmestayhereallsmallandquiet.
Rejection. Fear of people thinking, “eh, I could give or take her” or “she’s not my cup of tea” or “not interested” has influenced the majority of my decisions. In my pathological fear of offending anyone and then being tossed aside like yesterday’s trash, I strived to become as small and invisible and pliable as possible. And now here I was, at the Crossroads of being urged to come the heck out and play… yet with all my understanding and knowledge and great friendships, I was frozen. My mind reeled at the possibility that I would be passed by, unremarkable, unapproved.
“Fuck ‘em.” Like, don’t get mad, don’t try to get even, don’t take it personally. But, for the sake of everything good, get out there! Risk. Chance. Wind up and toss. Swing.
Be seen. Risk rejection. Because there’s healing in this!
How will we ever truly know that we approve of our own self if we are always relying on others to confirm our worth?! And this was it. THIS was the core of my terror of being seen. I was not yet my own biggest-loudest cheerleader, encourager, life-saver, kick-asser, reminder-of-my-own-badassery… and so, it was necessary that I come out from under the covers. There was no other way to show myself that I approve of me. If the world did not, yet did I. Fuck ‘em. I do not fear rejection for I have found within myself a safe place of Love and Peace and Joy. Fuck ‘em.
Maybe that’s what this thing has been all about. Without Jeff’s guidance, I may not have had the courage to be me. It’s like his words gave me permission to at least try, to brave standing on my own two feet and stay… without the safety of all those covers… but, better still, within the safety of my love for my own self. What better comfort than one of Love?
Now, there are those who would voice that Jeff’s vulgarity was unnecessary. As a college grad in English myself, I am among many who opine that those who use swear words do so from lack of ability to find the appropriate words to convey the message… and, perhaps this is true. Except, of course, when it’s fucking not. Then, oh then, you need just the right cuss-word to get the point across.
I have tons more to share but will unpack in another blog. I’ve come to understand that it is vital to healing that we be honest. And, in all honesty, this has been difficult for me. Being honest with our feelings by feeling them. Without apology. And I’m finding myself in that place of being brave to call a turd a turd. Without apology. This is scary shit for me. But I digress…
Fuck ‘em. Brave the wilderness. Do it afraid. Stand tall and all that happy shit. But, for the sake of the healing of your own soul, get your ass out there front and center and be the hell seen.
Somewhat in jest and partly in truth, I offer this song as my heartfelt thanks to Jeff, who was bold enough to be himself and encourage me to do the same. For the sake of the vibration of the world. Amen.
Jeff Smith, I love you.
You. Complete. Me.
Much love & hope,