May 17th, gratitude birthday entry:
I could not be any happier for these two!
Aaaaand here I already digress…
My parents divorced when I was too young to remember them ever being together. I have zero memories of their loving each other, having conversation with each other, doing each other’s laundry. Never do I recall a time when we sat as a family – mom, dad, and the four kids – and ate a meal.
And it wasn’t til just this morning that it dawned within me that this one event – their divorce – was a game-changer for me. Unintentionally, I have held onto my deep DEEP sadness for That Which Never Was. Unbeknownst to me, it has been the glasses through which I have viewed most every other person and situation in my life. Like, da-yum and wow. Light bulb freakin on.
Please know, I am not at all angry. No pounding my fist at the edge of the Prosecutor’s Bench. My goodness, no! Let me be the first in line, waving my paw wildly, in agreement that life is just fucking messy. Things happen. The train jumps the tracks; flights get canceled; boats sink; tires go flat… we are each Works In Progress, and holy WIP at that. There’s collateral damage that each and every one of us has endured at the hands of others as well as damage we have imposed upon those in close enough proximity to our shit-storm. And the result is “this is your life.” No judgment from me, guarantee you that. I really, really do understand.
But my heart. In the midst of understanding in my mind, my heart has yet weeped. For all these years. Today: healing. Yay, and thank God.
I am thrilled – like, Christmas morning and you just knoooooow that you’re getting the puppy that you asked Santa for thrilled – that my two baby brothers, Zach and Sebastian, have had the great privilege of seeing their parents in love, having a chit-chat, folding towels and socks, and supping together. I could not be more thankful to Whoever Figures All This Out that these two children were gifted with the opportunity to imbibe of the vibe of both parents for all their lives. Just. So. Groovy.
Zach was born when I was sixteen. I recently attended his wedding, and was absolutely touched that he would think to invite me. More, I was included in his family photos. I do not know him well, but his vibe makes me smile. And sometimes I seep sloppy tears of joy as well.
Sebastian was born when I was twenty-seven and a mama to two of my own and a third one on the way. Funny, but when I get into his space, of all five of my sibs, he is the one to which I relate the most. There’s just something about his groovy, peace-lovin’, vegan soul that turns me right on. I feel a kindred spirit with him. Clan fo sho.
While I was not on the receiving end of having my mom and dad walk together and beside me in this particular lifetime, I am totally jazzed that my two baby brothers did. My life is better knowing that two in my Clan got what I only dreamed of… at least, there’s that.
(And here’s where I could tangent all the way to Alaska on how just because two parents stay together does not make a loving partnership and happy home. I’m aware of this. For today, let’s stay in the contiguous USA.)
And, because on some deep level, we are all One… then the truth is that when “that good thing” happened to my brothers, that good thing happened to me as well. And today, this morning as I breathe this blog into existence, I can finally enjoy that good thing.
I am finding that partaking in someone else’s joy is… quite joyful.
So, when you get time off from work to go on vacation – yay, you! (yay, me at some space)
And when you get a raise – yay, you! (yay, me at some space)
When you hear good news from the doctor – yay, you! (yay, me at some space)
When you find your True Love – yay, you! (yay, me at some space)
Yay, me… I am privileged to be the oldest of six. I have two sisters and three brothers. I’m grateful that my dad was able to find a True Love partner and share his world with her and their two children together. And I’m super duper woot woot thrilled that my two baby brothers enjoyed something I’ve only ever dreamed of.
Others experiencing happiness is not at my expense. Their experiencing happiness has helped me… more than I realized… and I’m sure the Truth continues to unpack… which can only mean I got me MORE happiness coming
This song is theirs, it’s ours. Every time I hear it, I just wanna get up and dance — it makes me sooooo happy And thinking about these two brothers, and their parents, makes me full of joy. Life. Is. Good.
Zach Zimmer Augustine and Sebastian Zimmer Augustine, you guys rock all and I love you.
You. Complete. Me.
Much love & hope,