Feels ‘n J On The Porch

Day Five

Husband is back inside after a second go-round with the snow blower. Suffice it to say, there’s a whole lot of snow out there. It remains one of my least favorite times of the year. I hate wearing clothes and the time spent bundling and unbundling is an aggravation. Sigh. 😦

And yet, FWP. I am thankful for a warm house and hot food. So blessed! It is fun to watch Gia FurButt tromp around in the snow. She loves it! She’s looking at me now like, “hey, Mama GG, wanna take me out for a walk?” (No, lil furry girl, I do not.)

I hate snow. But there it is. All white and cold and fluffy and everywhere and so I figure I better just accept it and get out there and play or something. It’s not moving. And, be still my heart, we are not moving anywhere soon either, so best just accept and receive. Lemonade out of lemons, or something like that. Maybe there’s some fun to be had in them there hills, er, piles of snow and slush.

It’s somewhat like my feelings that I don’t want to feel, don’t want to acknowledge. Please please please just go away. Let me see you but ignore you. Let me figure out how to not feel – maybe I’ll just analyze you or research more about you – but whatever I do, please let me not actually feel you. Embrace you. Allow you to be seen, heard, felt, acknowledged, processed… and you’d think that me, of all people, who know damn well all the benefits of sitting with shit, would know to… well, sit with the shit. 

You’d think that I would know better… and I do. It’s not about knowing. It’s about allowing myself to feel. And knowing is easy; feeling is uncomfortable. (What if I see-feel-hear something I hate about myself? another? What then, huh?!)

Alas, here I am. All human and scared and begging feelings to stay back behind the line. “Listen, Feelings, let me write about you; let me listen to music about you; let me read books about you. That’s adequate, right?”

Feelings: No. No, it is not. (firmly, with arms crossed at chest, because that’s how Feelings rolls.)

Me: F-u-c-k. (tantrum-y, whiney, because the idea of embodying is overwhelming.)

I’m going to do it, though. I’m going to feel. I sense Feelings right there, on the front porch, knocking. Thing is, right beside Feelings is Jesus – my main squeeze and super cool dude who loves me big time and is the best big brother everrrrrr – and they both promise to not go anywhere until their message is heard and accepted and new pathways in my brain are created and my heart feels less like mush and ground-up glass.

So, there’s that reassurance at least.

I wish I was ready enough to just hold my nose and dive off this ten foot board into the depths, but here I stand… ah, more analogies that keep me separated from Feelings. I’m a freaking master at avoidance. :-/

So, Lis, today: offer yourself Grace.

So, today, grace. Patience. The time will come to feel and it will be okay and I will be okay, maybe even better than okay. And likely it will take more than one time of “feeling” and present itself as a lifestyle of feeling. 

I am understanding that I am not afraid of dying and death. I am, however, terrified of truly living. Of going all in. Of embracing all of It. Life. Love. People. Experiences. Laughter. Sadness. Glory. Victory. Falling. Getting back up. Staying. Going. Hating. Anger. Joy. Tears. Trusting. Healing.

I am terrified of truly living.

What if I’m too much? What if I’m too loud? Too big? Too slow? Too deep? Too weird? What if I’m me and they don’t approve? What if I fail – yet again – at finding me and drawing her out from the depths and asking her live loud and free? 

I am terrified of being me. And being seen.

All these fears crash around inside me. 

But the biggest fear of all is dying without having lived.

And so… 

And so, maybe today I am only ready to be ready to go into Feels. And tomorrow I’ll be even readier. And the next day, I’ll open the door. And it will be okay. And I will not die. I will begin to live.

In the meantime, there’s snow out there and a pup that wants to dance in it. And so, for today, I am thankful. It is enough. For I am well on my way, on my unique journey, of reconnecting me into my heart and coming back on-line. 

And it is a good day, indeed. ❤

(Note to self: thank you Hubs and Bestie… among you and J, I got this. <3)

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