Hungry

When you are going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

Awoke feeling very different this morning. Usually, I sense a great heaviness… like, oh shit, I’m still here. I’m still in my skin. It feels so weighty, almost like I can’t breathe. Then I check in to my body, and often sense a chasm of guilt.

It’s been this way for as long as I can remember and I guess I just got used to it. Figured everyone awoke this way. Husband says, “Babe, I’m thinking this may be just you. Or at least just a select few. I just wake up hungry.”

Over the past couple of years, as I’ve learned the benefits of embodiment, the practice of checking in to and with my body, of being here now, of breathing, of being curious about the various things I’m sensing-feeling-hearing… small but vital movement of energies has been manifesting.

Embodiment practices use the body as a tool for healing through self-awareness, mindfulness, connection, self-regulation, finding balance, and creating self-acceptance. Embodiment explores the relationship between our physical being and our energy. 

For so many years – oh goodness, so many – I would both fight the feelings and try to figure them out. Where did they come from? What caused them? So much energy in my head space, in my mind, busy formulating and calculating… all the while, my body is still in freak-out mode and I’m fighting it, encouraging myself to “just think positively!” 

Uhm, no.

I happened upon embodiment – not knowing that this was a practice – a couple of years past… and have implemented it into my morning routine. As I check in with my physical body, I allow my mind to be curious and my heart to be open and compassionate to the messages. Not trying to FIX because I am not broken, but just listening, honoring my body’s countenance, and allowing, allowing, allowing…

I found that embodiment practice has not been a cure-all, once-and-done… but a lifestyle and mindfulness practice. 

And, slowly but surely, it has been working to unwind the very tangled yarn of feelings, emotions, memories, and fears tangible within my physiology. Journaling helps as well. Talking with Husband or Bestie or Sister about the messages that my body is unpacking is productive.

• Holding steady patience.
• Being still.
• Trusting the process.
• Having faith in my body to unpack, my mind to receive, my heart to remain compassionate, and my God to remind me of my courage.
• Staying grounded.
• Breathing.
• Staying.
• Resting.
• Being thankful.

It takes a lot of courage to push through hard times. Never give up. Good things are on their way.

And it’s happening. Finally!

This morning, I awoke feeling different. Bestie and I had “worked” diligently this weekend… She asked questions, offered points of view, told me shit she thought I might not want to hear but had to and so she spilled it out, piled on encouragement, and held me for minutes upon minutes upon minutes… I told her that I thought she was trying to squeeze the trauma out of my cells. 

She told me that she would never let me go. ❤ I could feel shit moving. It was scary, but more scary to remain tight in a bud.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

I think yesterday was this day. 🙂

If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.

Well, something has definitely moved. Because I awoke to peace. In peace. Surpassing my understanding, I was calm. No heaviness. Moreover, I felt light, open-hearted, optimistic, and oh-so-excited about the day. The energies of guilt and shame were nowhere to be found. Clarity of mind and such a kind, gentle attitude of heart bathed my body as I awoke.

I thanked God; I shared the good news with Husband; I texted Bestie. I made plans to go for a run…

And, yes, I was indeed hungry. 🙂