Being angry is like holding a piece of burning coal in your hand and hoping the other person feels pain.Wendy Merron
There are those who are incessed – or maybe just confused, befuddled – by my refusal to be angry. The fact is that I was angry. I’m just not angry anymore. It’s a frequency that no longer exists in my body. I have processed this anger, allowed it to speak its message, and eventually dissolve, and now I have ample space for Love. Which is a much easier vibration in which to live and move and breathe and have my being. Because Love is Who I AM.
You cannot see your reflection in boiling water. Similarly, you cannot see truth in a state of anger.
To be clear, what happened WAS awful and life-changing and shitty and not okay at all. I am not now nor have I ever thought otherwise. Being mean and hateful and abusive to another – especially when that other is a defenseless child, for the Love of Goodness – is never, ever acceptable.
Understandable. I understand why hurt people hurt people. Most often, bullies bully. Hurt people hurt and then hurt people. It’s a cycle. I get it. I understand it. Understanding is not a pass, and it’s not condoning or minimizing. It’s saying, “I get why shit happens in the messiness of earth life.”
So, being on the receiving end of bullying, of hurtful behavior, of abuse… what do you do with this? Do you continue the bullying, hurting, abusive reactions? Or do you choose to stop the cycle?
Choosing to stop the cycle very often means you don’t get “closure.” And by closure, I mean APOLOGY. More often than not, you don’t get the apology you think you need to be able to forgive the other one.
It’s hard to wrap our heads around it, but you don’t NEED the acknowledgement that they understand what they did, you don’t NEED them to realize how it affected you, and and you don’t NEED them to feel and express their remorse.
This is high vibe frequency thinking.
More often than not, you forgive sans apology. Because forgiveness is more about the one who got hurt than it is the one who did the hurting.
I remember well approaching my offenders and – oh, God, I was so proud of myself, felt so spiritual and big-hearted, like I’d finally topped the tallest mountain and could see for miles – I shared, “I forgive you for what you did.”
Their response floored me: “For what we did? For what we did?! For. What. We Did.!?”
Daddy, forgive them because they have no idea what they’re doing.Jesus
It’s so hard for us to wrap our hearts and heads around the idea that those choosing such hateful behavior could not know what they’re doing, isn’t it? I mean, how can someone NOT know that you don’t beat a child, humiliate a teenager, withhold parental unconditional love and safe space… for so many of us, these are holy no-duh’s. Like, of course you care deeply for your child. Of course you protect your child. Of course THERE IS NO “last straw.”
And yet. Life is messy and people are numb and hurting and refusing to wake up, own their choices, and create sacred relationships.
Again, not a pass! People live and behave from a consciousness. Those inflicting such pain are in such pain themselves, swimming in the deep end of REACTION.
There was no connection in them that their behavior was in any way harsh, brittle, and hateful. Their version of the plot line differed – and continues to differ – dramatically from mine. And from what I know to be the Truth.
Forgiveness is for the Forgiver; it’s freedom for the Forgiver.
So, what do I do with this, then? Do I continue to mull, to stew, to tread water in the mucky pond of my righteousness… going nowhere, but expending a great deal of energy swimming… until they finally wake up, soften up, and ‘fess up?
I could. But that gives my power away. That lets THEM hold all the cards. And I may be waiting until the end of my own life, powerless, angry, focused on the injustice, and LETTING MY LIFE PASS ME BY.
No thanks. You’re forgiven. Not because you’re sorry, but because I am worthy of a brilliant existence which does not include these memories and this heavy vibe of anger. I’m moving on.
If you hate a person, then you’re defeated by them.Confucius
Not that it’s easy-peasy. Forgiveness, I have found, is a process. Like a beautiful rose opening, it takes time and patience, but damn, it’s a beautiful sight. Smells divine. It’s a holy act to love yourself enough to feel your feelings, acknowledge for yourself their behaviors and how they’ve influenced your actions and choices, and express to yourself the empathy that your heart aches for to heal.
Be for your inner child what you needed: an empathic witness, a generous kind soul who rocks you and tells you that you will thrive through this season, and an encourager who reminds you to choose Love for yourself and — BREAK THE CYCLE.
And this holy path, this road less taken, begs stillness, listening, feeling deeply, owning your own story, seeing others as fragile fucked up souls thrashing around in the shallow end of that same mucky pond you’ve found yourself in, and eventually plugging into a Compassion for everyone involved… and climbing out of that shitty-ass pond onto the shore where Life is abundant and healthy and joyful.
Those perpetrating such hateful actions are clearly out of their minds. I would argue that they are also out of their hearts.
Clear thinking people, living in Truth and harmony and self-esteem, would never inflict pain on another. As we transform, we understand that our actions return to us, like a boomerang.
Likewise, open-hearted, kind and gentle souls who practice daily compassion and self-love are growing into the knowledge that Love returns 100-fold! We begin to remember that we all One and when One hurts, all of us hurt.
Forgiveness is among the most challenging holy actions we experience. But it is NOT a “Mission: Impossible.”
For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is imperative – there really is NO OTHER WAY – to feel your feelings of anger. Draw an epsom salt bath, light candles, meditate, write in your journal, compose a letter to your inner child, walk in the woods and allow the animals to comfort you, hug your pet, ask for time-off, participate in a small group geared towards working through deep and wide emotions, go for a run, take up boxing, remember life is long and the road is winding, listen to music… find ways to process the emotions that remain in your physiology.
Unlearn behavior and thought patterns, create new narratives, recalibrate your energies, open your heart chakra. It is possible! I’m living proof.
Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.
There is life past the pain. It’s just the way there is through…
Through to a softened heart, awakening to Love and Potential and Abundance.
Through to a clearer mind, enlightening to Truth and Wisdom and Peace.
Dear Soul, release the burning coal. It’s hot. And you are tired. Dare to feel again. ❤
What will you choose to do with the anger, dear One? Which path will you take?
The way we choose to see the world creates the world we see.Barry Neil Kaufman