EnergieGal

Thank You

Day 16

When I think of death, and as of late the thought has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in the valley of strange humors. I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return. Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake. I answer the heroic question “Death, where is thy sting?” with ‘it is here in my heart and mind and memories.’
Maya Angelou

I shared a short video yesterday on social media in which I am singing “thank you” to my Mom for the few years we shared together. She and Dad divorced when I was young, she left the state early on, and died when I was 27. I do not have many memories of her and my heart was especially raw pondering the myriad of “things we’ll never do together” last night. Thus, I started singing…

“Thank you, Mom”
(for the few years we enjoyed together)

At the time, I didn’t realize it… but I was awakening energies of grief and loss… of deep, deep heartache, long-time there… I was ready to allow these feelings to be felt all the way, no holds barred, no judgment… so that… those energies could be embraced fully, welcomed into my awareness, gently held… so that my grief could be acknowledged, allowed to flow, given freedom, dissolved… so that I could finally breathe deeply, down into the marrow of my bones… so that Love could trickle into my cells, saturate my being, and I could finally heal… whatever “heal” looked like…

As I sang, the energies began to awaken… and I found myself moving through my feelings… to a place of Acceptance. Peace. Stillness.

Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.
C. S. Lewis

I sense that I will always grieve, always know sadness and emptiness, loss of “oh-what-we-could-have” and this uncomfortable sense of being misplaced. Like a favorite book you know is somewhere in the house, you just know it is, but you’ve looked everywhere and can’t find it and so you finally give up and just try to remember the cover, the chapters, the paragraphs, the words…

“Thank you, Mom”
(for those few precious memories)

And then. There, in the midst of this messiness and rawness, a change of perspective. Heart still ragged, but Mind processing, seeing differently.

Through the valley of the shadow of death, this utter sadness and loss, this beyond-understanding grief, there began a seeing of things differently. Hmmm, maybe not differently so much as in addition to… where there was only “what didn’t I get to experience with her” there is now also “I’m so thankful I got this experience with her.”

It’s been a subtle shift. A shift, nonetheless, and for this I am just so grateful.

And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration, Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us: “They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.”
Maya Angelou

I remember getting the call that she had passed, and there I was six months pregnant with my third, and knowing that she would never meet this child… and I thought, I wondered, how would I go on? What would life look like now? I stored those feelings, those thoughts, way down. Under the surface and way past the back shelf of the closet, all hidden and dark. Until lately. When it was time and I was ready and life was ready.

“Thank you, Mom”
(For sharing as much as you could)

Yes, it’s true. Life goes on. Time marches right on and you race to keep up, right? But, more importantly for me, as I have allowed myself to grieve, I have found that LIVING GOES ON. I can live while alive, even without her. I have given myself permission to feel, to grieve – to be angry and everything else that accompanies grief – and to also move through and on… on to Peace.

Move through the emotions while keeping the memories. I am becoming aware that I can feel those big feelings and let them pass through me, but I get to keep the memories. Just because I’m healing doesn’t mean I’m forgetting her, leaving her behind. This has been helpful to me on my journey.

Life goes on. But LIVING can go on too.

It’s a different kind of Peace, one that is imperfect and still hurts and is messy and full of tears but there’s laughter too.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you’ll learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to be.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler

To all of us who are grieving, may we hold each other close. And LIVE. ❤

Plaque

Day 15

Be still and know.
Psalm 46:10

I had been in business for 28 years, 7 at this particular location, when I felt it was time to close my doors. Though I had a full week of clients and loved each and every one so very much, I “felt” some big change coming… I would say to Husband, “Something seismic is coming… it’s big, super big, Hon.” I wasn’t sure what it was, who it was for, nor was I able to wrap my head around the WHYs. I just knew in my guts, that place where I hear the Still Small Voice of God that is Love that is Source that is Light and Way and Grace and Hope, that it was time to go.

Something big is coming. Big change. Time to BE STILL.
Love’s Voice Within

On October 31, 2019, I handed in the keys to the studio I was renting. The last thing to come down at the office was a plaque on which the words BE STILL are painted. I drove home, popped out of the car, and hung the plaque on my side door. I figured it would be a reminder of “words to live by in this next season” every time I come in and out this door, which is only about 25 times daily.

BE STILL.
Plaque, on door

On November 4, 2019, I sat around in great curiosity and not a little boredom… used to working 40 plus hours weekly, this was big change for me. I thought I would love it.

I did not, in fact, love it.

I missed my friends. My clients were not a paycheck; they were my family. They were who I spent my minutes and hours and days with, laughing and crying, hoping and sighing. We shared secrets, sweated, dreamed, practiced forgiveness and learned so much about real, raw, vulnerable living with each other. It was among these precious souls that I realized that everyone has a story, and that pain and disappointment and suffering is universal… but so too is healing and mercy and faith. I learned that we are all a part of each other’s transformation… and that when something lovely happens to another, it is happening to me so there’s no need to be jealous or feel like I missed out; likewise, I began to realize that when something cruel or difficult happens to another, it affects me too. We are not separate beings, after all. We are One. United. Whether we realize, remember, or acknowledge this: we are in this together.

I learned to see others through my heart and, in doing so, saw their True Beauty. Slowly, I began to see myself this way too. We are all Magnificence Incarnate.

Fast forward to March 2020, and the “seismic something coming” began to make itself known to the world. It has ended up being way bigger than I could have imagined…

Fast forward to January 2022, and something happened yesterday that snagged my attention. Plaque fell down off door, hook and all. There it lay, on the carpet, screaming at me. I froze. What just happened? I have been used to Plaque reminding me of my “job” during this season… and now, of its own accord, Plaque has removed itself from its perch.

BE STILL.
Plaque, from carpet on floor by door

Husband picked up Plaque and tossed it on table by carpet on floor by door. (Clearly, Husband is not nearly as attached to the messages from God as I am. And thank God for that! This relationship has room for only one of me, thankyouverymuch.)

As I sat with God this morning for my usual time of prayer, I asked about this season of stillness, of quiet searching, of being-not-doing.

Am I done BEING STILL?
Me, holding Plaque and wondering whether to rehang on door or find new perch

I feel like Love nudged me to be curious about why I was led to a time of BEING STILL in the first place… and I think it was a combination of busy-ness, striving, trying, figuring out, fixing, and fast pace existing… which had served its purpose in my life… to be surrendered… for another vibration to become a part of me… the opportunity for stillness, mindfulness, breathing, seeking, allowing, and slow down experiencing was manifesting for me to choose to embrace.

As much as time seems to have sped up all around us, I find myself having slowed way down. I have chosen to slip quietly into this new space, this very different vibration where the birds sound louder, the rain smells sweeter, and cookies have no calories. I find myself living outside of the news, and in a space where Kindness matters, graying hair is beautiful, Wisdom is revered, Souls are seen, stories are heard, laughter is healing, and eating together around the table is not just for special occasions.

Because every day is a special occasion.

BEING STILL is not something I do now. It is a way I live and move and breathe and have my being. IN STILLNESS. I am not being quiet. I AM quiet. I AM stillness. I AM breath. I AM. I AM.

BE STILL.
Plaque, on wall beside door

These past couple of years have been among the hardest of my life, as I have been encouraged by Love to surrender all that no longer serves me as I enter into a new season. I am thankful to Husband for the thousandsssssss of conversations we’ve had about “what am I supposed to be doing?” as both he and God waited for me to finally – finally – accept where I was, surrender all that I thought essential and identifying, and be led to Peace.

I AM STILL.
Me ❤

BAM

Day 14

Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.
Brene Brown

Yesterday, a client had to reschedule. Already at the office, I meandered out front to talk with a co-worker and friend, Jeff. It’s always such good, deep conversation between us and brings me such joy. Energetically, when we’re together, it’s like BAM. Always been this way. Such a blessing.

I unpacked for him an idea I have had for hosting a podcast, but was unsure who to interview first. Should it be Bestie? Sister? Fellow energy-healers? Semi-famous book authors?

“You. I think your first interview should be you.”

(Oh. Hell. No.)

“Yes, I’m thinking interview yourself. You gotta put yourself out there, let people know who you are, that you’re safe space, and what your heart is all about with this podcast.”

(Still. No.)

“I’m sensing some resistance. What’s up? Why don’t you want to take the mike and unpack your own story first?”

Wringing hands, pacing. “Well, I don’t want people to think I’m all about myself… like, I don’t want to come across as pretentious or self-absorbed… the idea of putting myself out there without anyone else beside me, well, it feels so me-me-me! Nope, I just can’t do it, Bro.”

“You think that by ‘interviewing yourself first’ that people will think badly of you?”

Sighing, “I really do.” 😦

I have found in my research that the reason people are not more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they will become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.
Dr. Kristin Niff

“Well, there’s your problem right there… you’re a light and you’re meant to shine. Ya gotta get out there and just fucking do it… be yourself.”

As I’ve previously shared, I am a recovering People-Pleaser. As someone who has always been ultra-freakin’-sensitive to energies around me, I can pick up on what others want me to say, to do, to feel, to opine… and, to keep the peace — which I’m learning is WAY different than making Peace, but I tangent — I would give the people what they want… leaving me Not Being Me. Repeatedly. Over and over again. Continuously. Habitually. To the point where I was NBM for so long that I forgot who I AM.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m on that journey now… allowing all that is not me to dissolve, melt away, be chipped off, allowed to move, be processed… kind of like Michaelangelo working on that big slab of marble… allowing all that was not David to be chipped away… until only Magnificence remained.

(Did I just compare myself with David?) :-0

Jeff had a point. Scary as it was, the consideration that I could interview myself as my first guest was intriguing and begged some quiet soul-searching. He concluded, shrugged, “Lisa, haters gonna hate. You go be you.”

(Indeed. And let me not be among those who hate me. Oh, God, that I would swim and splash and play in the deep waters of self-acceptance… self-compassion… shine without apology… allow vulnerability, authenticity… because THIS is where the magic happens, THIS is where the healing begins and transformation occurs, and THIS is where I want Story-Teller and Listener to meet on my podcast.)

BAM.

The remainder of the afternoon, he and I created a brilliant video about my upcoming podcast and had a magical time together. Like I said, BAM.

As it turns out, I do not feel led to be my first guest. After prayer and deliberation, breathwork and checking in with my body, I know who will be my first guest: Husband. More specifically, he and I together at the mike. It feels right and I’m super jazzed to get this project in motion. ❤

There’s something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk.
Drew Barrymore

(BAM.)

On Soup & Peace

Day 13

You can’t find peace by avoiding life.
Virginia Wooli

I am in from walking FurButt Gigi for her usual constitutional around the neighborhood. A heat wave at 25 degrees, though much snow accumulated throughout the night and Husband started the snow-blower as we headed out to sniff, poop, and share secrets.

Gigi really is the best secret-keeper ever. As well as an amazing pooper. 😉

I decided to warm the atmosphere of the house by boiling the chicken bones from yesterday’s dinner. There’s just something about chicken soup that makes everyone smile, sink deeper into their sweaters, and ask for extra butter for the accompanying homemade bread.

What is it that makes food and eating just so darn magical?

Gah, I remember well the years and years I struggled in a dysfunctional relationship with food, eating, myself, my body. Whew, super rough years! I had a love-hate dynamic with food, which was actually a symptom of the very difficult space I lived in and from regarding relationships in general. Everyone and everything was scary. Trusting was nearly impossible.

I remarked often, “if I was addicted to gaming or sex or drugs or cigarettes or alcohol, I could abstain altogether… but addicted to food? How do I recalibrate the energies around this necessary aspect of my life?”

It was truly vexing.

Everyone’s gotta eat. But I remember wishing that if I could just forgo eating altogether, life would be easier, more peaceful, enjoyable. Less work.

Basically, I longed to avoid life and living and all the messiness of heartache, anger, sadness, complicated emotions twisting and turning in my guts. (No wonder I didn’t have room for food in there…)

Eating grounds us; eating brings us all together; eating is Happy Space. Even preparing the meal to be eaten is good juju, man.

Thank God, I’ve done some freakin’ deep work over years and years… and am now finding myself on the other side of Fear… the work being walking through Fear, befriending emotions, feeling feelings, and reframing stories… and I continue to work and work and work, with the flow of the energies of Love within me and the Beauty of Friendships around me… and I am healing and I am already healed and I am perfectly making my way towards Peace while knowing, in some beyond-my-understanding way, I’ve already arrived.

❤ It’s been quite an amazing trip, really. ❤

Soup broth is smelling deliciously ready for the vegetables… it’s time to put on some music and dice, slice, and spice.

Peace.
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

It is a wonderful day already, indeed. ❤

Darling

Day 12

I am a continuation, like the rain is a continuation of the cloud.
Thich Nhat Hanh

Thich Nhat Hanh passed away a few days ago. He slipped out of this dimension into a higher vibration at the age of 95. How blessed we have been on this planet to have shared time and space with him. I learned so much just from his gentle demeanor, to say nothing of his wise teachings.

From this Vietnamese Thiền Buddhist monk and peace activist, I received energetic downloads which raised my frequency, and enabled me to hold space for others, see differently, reframe difficult situations, revisit narratives, re-story, and be gracious with others as well as myself.

Of all of his wisdom he unpacked, “Darling” was my most favorite teaching.

Darling, I am here for you.

“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer him/her is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? So you look into his/her eyes and say, “Darling, I am here for you.” You offer your true presence… you are not preoccupied with the past or the future or your project. You are there for your beloved one.”

Darling, I know you are there.

“You recognize the presence of your beloved one as something very precious. You embrace your beloved one with mindfulness… and she/he will bloom like a flower. To be loved is to be recognized as existing.

❤ This gentle souls taught me that these two mantras can bring happiness right away.

Darling, I know you suffer… that is why I am here for you.

“Before you even try to “fix” or do something for your beloved, you acknowledge their pain, their suffering. And stay.”

Darling, I suffer. I am trying my best. Please help me.

“When you yourself are in pain – or when your beloved one is the instigator of this pain – do not hide yourself or go off into your room away to suffer alone or to punish the other one.”

❤ If you can bring yourself to practice these four mantras, you will suffer less right away.

The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.
Thich Nhat Hanh

Thank you for your energies of Love to us, Sweet Beloved. We already miss you, Darling. ❤

Hungry

Day 11

When you are going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill

Awoke feeling very different this morning. Usually, I sense a great heaviness… like, oh shit, I’m still here. I’m still in my skin. It feels so weighty, almost like I can’t breathe. Then I check in to my body, and often sense a chasm of guilt.

It’s been this way for as long as I can remember and I guess I just got used to it. Figured everyone awoke this way. Husband says, “Babe, I’m thinking this may be just you. Or at least just a select few. I just wake up hungry.”

Over the past couple of years, as I’ve learned the benefits of embodiment, the practice of checking in to and with my body, of being here now, of breathing, of being curious about the various things I’m sensing-feeling-hearing… small but vital movement of energies has been manifesting.

Embodiment practices use the body as a tool for healing through self-awareness, mindfulness, connection, self-regulation, finding balance, and creating self-acceptance. Embodiment explores the relationship between our physical being and our energy.

For so many years – oh goodness, so many – I would both fight the feelings and try to figure them out. Where did they come from? What caused them? So much energy in my head space, in my mind, busy formulating and calculating… all the while, my body is still in freak-out mode and I’m fighting it, encouraging myself to “just think positively!”

Uhm, no.

I happened upon embodiment – not knowing that this was a practice – a couple of years past… and have implemented it into my morning routine. As I check in with my physical body, I allow my mind to be curious and my heart to be open and compassionate to the messages. Not trying to FIX because I am not broken, but just listening, honoring my body’s countenance, and allowing, allowing, allowing…

I found that embodiment practice has not been a cure-all, once-and-done… but a lifestyle and mindfulness practice.

And, slowly but surely, it has been working to unwind the very tangled yarn of feelings, emotions, memories, and fears tangible within my physiology. Journaling helps as well. Talking with Husband or Bestie or Sister about the messages that my body is unpacking is productive.

Holding steady patience.
Being still.
Trusting the process.
Having faith in my body to unpack, my mind to receive, my heart to remain compassionate, and my God to remind me of my courage.
Staying grounded.
Breathing.
Staying.
Resting.
Being thankful.

It takes a lot of courage to push through hard times. Never give up. Good things are on their way.

And it’s happening. Finally!

This morning, I awoke feeling different. Bestie and I had “worked” diligently this weekend… She asked questions, offered points of view, told me shit she thought I might not want to hear but had to and so she spilled it out, piled on encouragement, and held me for minutes upon minutes upon minutes… I told her that I thought she was trying to squeeze the trauma out of my cells.

She told me that she would never let me go. ❤ I could feel shit moving. It was scary, but more scary to remain tight in a bud.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

I think yesterday was this day. 🙂

If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.

Well, something has definitely moved. Because I awoke to peace. In peace. Surpassing my understanding, I was calm. No heaviness. Moreover, I felt light, open-hearted, optimistic, and oh-so-excited about the day. The energies of guilt and shame were nowhere to be found. Clarity of mind and such a kind, gentle attitude of heart bathed my body as I awoke.

I thanked God; I shared the good news with Husband; I texted Bestie. I made plans to go for a run…

And, yes, I was indeed hungry. 🙂

On Friends

Day Ten

Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you.
Misty Copeland

Kicked ass at the race today. Dominated. BOOM.

Minus five degrees? Pfffft. Not a problem when you’ve got two of the best souls alive on planet Earth beside you. We three laughed, cried, ate, ran, cried some more – okay, actually I was the one crying but I do that lots, it’s how energies move through me – dreamed, shared fears, boasted in triumphs, encouraged, and had an altogether perfect 24-hours.

This race remains on our list of possible do-agains, despite the frigid temps. We love Wolf Creek’s juju vibe… good peeps, laid back, nice medals, a long sleeve T that I may never take off… yeah, a definite revisit possibility.

There’s a lot of talk about how awful things are in the world, how hateful people can be, how difficult life is… and there is truth in this. Life is hard. People are hurting. It’s been a dramatic couple of years for sure.

So many of us have struggled within the vibrations of this “new normal.” I am one, among many. I am thankful to have a Bestie who meets me where I am, in the midst of my journey, and walks beside me… reminding me of her love for me, our love for each other, and the amazing life we have yet to experience, explore, discover, create. Beyond words, she is good for me. Grounding. Kind. Honest. And gives super good hugs. That heal me. Yeah, a whole lot of gratitude in me for her.

Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.
Bill Watterson

I’m finding that Love among friends is healing, refreshing, and a vital ingredient in creating the life I deserve… and so, of course, I’ve signed up for a few more races. Because I am a runner, a racer, an athlete, and am curious to know what this body can do… but also because I am a Bestie, a good friend, loved just as I am, celebrated wildly, and welcomed into relationship with two of the most authentic, comfortable-in-their-own-skin, hilarious souls I’ve ever met. And I get to call them Tribe.

A good day indeed. ❤

Leaning In

Day Nine

Day Nine… and I find myself leaning in to Love like never before… who knew that “leaning in” would look like this, though? Quiet. Still. Curious. Compassionate. Courageous. Scared. Brave. Bold. Unsure. Patient.

Just finished an hour on the stationary bike. So thankful to have a piece of cardio equipment that fits inside the house. Maybe its perch in the living room isn’t the most aesthetic look, but the alternative is heading out to the unheated barn in 12 degree weather… which isn’t likely to happen… me being a sun goddess… and the barn feeling like it’s 872 miles away.

I am finding myself a bit on edge today… preparing to leave for a half marathon race a few hours away with two super cool peeps. They are way high energy and all sortsa positive affirmations. Like, if KickAss and BeHappy were to have babies, they woulda given birth to these two souls. They’re truly awesome and inspiring.

Thing is, I’m also a little intimidated. They’re fast! They’re upbeat! They’re ball-crushing! They’re no holds barred! And I’m all peace-love-and-happiness, chill-while-I-ponder-life. It’s not that I can’t run – though keeping up with them is not on my dance card – but I’m not sure I WANT to run, race, hurry, endure the bitter cold.

Is this how I am called, destined, wired to spend my time while in this skin?

There was a time when I chewed races up and spit them out, baby, and it was fun and I laughed and cried and hurt and got right back out there again. I collected medals and tee shirts, rubbed elbows with athletes, posted on social media. But I’m sensing a shift in me, a recalibration of energies, and thus a reorganization and reprioritization of how I spend my days and where I focus my passion.

And this scares me. A. Whole. Bunch.

What if I’m wrong? What if I’m reading the signals of my body-mind-soul incorrectly and it was God’s plan that I DO keep hustling butt and racing hard? What if I take a few months off and find that I miss running, racing, relationships around the sport, the highs and the lows of the running lifestyle?

(I know, duh, I can resume… so why the vexation? Why the self-condemnation? FEAR?)

Running has been such a big part of my life in the last ten years. Pondering stepping back from the racing end of it scares me. People admire runners. What will they think of me should I opt to scale back the mileage, the races, the plans for the future (run all the states and get faster)? Will I be seen as a slacker? A failure? A big fat baby?

Or will I see myself as a loser? And, if so, WHY?

We all have only 24 hours in a day and I think I’m feeling the stirrings from God to spend mine less on running and all that a racing lifestyle entails, and more on other passions, like writing, singing, reading, preparing for being a Nana, caring for my aging folks, and Being Still.

I feel like God is inviting me into a space of Being Still. Of Slowing Down. Of Quiet.

And what if this is just for a season? A year? A few years? It’s not like I can’t return to the race-life… I love running! I enjoy the sweat, the high, the adventure, the accomplishment. It’s not like it’s a friend who I am burying, right? We can return to each other later on down the road should this be my destiny.

And so… Breathe.

I give myself permission to feel scared, to feel unsure, to be curious… I allow myself to be curious about what the heck is going on in my heart right now. I am in a space of patience and compassion for myself as this is a really big freakin’ deal in my life.

What if it’s okay and I’m okay?!

What if it’s okay to be scared, to not know which way I’m going with this, but to just let it unpack itself.

One day at a time, Dear Soul.

For today, I will finish packing for the race. I will enjoy the friendship and love of these two Focused, Passionate Souls and appreciate that they DO know their course of action and where God is leading them. I will ride along for the adventure and do my very best to allow myself to remain curious, compassionate, and courageous.

I will hold space for my precious Soul and my very personal journey. Which doesn’t look like anyone else’s. And it doesn’t have to… and it can still be “right.” And I can still be “enough” and “good” and Perfect even.

And, even if for a season I choose not to race, Running and me can still be good friends.

Floating Up To The Strap

Day Eight

I have “so far” to go on my journey to Nowhere, Everywhere, and Deeper Still.

Upon my sharing that I was embarking on a 40-day Sabbatical Journey, a few initially wondered aloud to me, “what does this entail… like, where are you going? Who will you be seeing? What will you be doing? What sights will you be taking in?”

I’ve pondered my answer. Now entering my eighth day of SJ, here’s what I’ve got:

Where am I going?

Nowhere.
Everywhere.
Deeper Still.

Who will you be seeing?

God.
Myself.
Others.

What am I doing?

Being still.
Listening.
Allowing downloads of Love to flush out all fear.
Recalibrating energies in such a way that I cease trying, striving, mastering, manipulating… and allow ease, peace, breath, harmonious co-creation.
Getting to know the feel of God’s breath on my cheek, the smell of it, the sound of it, and to open the eyes of my heart to see the eyes of God… peering back into mine.
Allowing a Truth to settle deeply into my bones: my passions and cravings are for a relationship with God… but I mistake this hunger and thirst for desires for and needs of food, accolades, fame, perfection, knowledge, understanding, even relationships.
Realignment and reprioritization of what’s most important to me now, in this new season I find myself in… I have such desperation – I feel it in my bones! – but what is it for?… for knowing God? Knowing Love? Knowing myself? Knowing Others? This is feeling like Peace to me more and more, and yet… I still wonder, still ache, still am striving… the journey continues.
Surrendering and accepting that life is changing and has changed and is continuing to change and will continue to change… all around me in the world, but also in my personal and private life. As such, allowing some things to die, hopes and dreams that used to titillate and excite but no longer set me afire… that these passions are not bad – no! – nor good… but… just no longer are a part of my journey. Like sweaters that still fit but I no longer enjoy wearing, so I’m sorting through the closet and drawers and making piles of what stays and what gets donated to “Sally.”
Being patient. Gah! This one is an ongoing, forever thing with me and God. I liken it to being married… I knew Husband well enough when we said, “sure, I’m in” but even more now, 35 plus years later. And, hopefully, I’ll know him even better, understand his heart more clearly, and be in a closer relationship with him 10 years from now. Or tomorrow, even. Relationships are ongoing, forever unfolding, and not to be managed or understood so much as to be freely experienced, enjoyed, imbibed… there is no “end” when it all makes sense and every i is dotted and every t is crossed… allow, allow, allow… sans agenda, schedule, goals.
Viewing life and building relationships as an adventure, with scary aspects and fun parts too… the whole of my life’s plan, purpose, and privilege. And that, by knowing God and knowing Others, I get to know myself more deeply as well.
Floating up to the strap.

One of my earliest memories is of my mother taking her three boys on the streetcar on the east side of Detroit to Waterworks Park. I was two or three years old, and I recall looking up from the seat and seeing the hand straps hanging down. The grown-ups were able to hold on to the straps, but all I could do was imagine what it would be like to be so tall as to grab those straps way above my head. I actually pretended that I was light enough to float up to the hanging handles. I then imagined feeling safe and the trolley taking me where it was destined to go, at whatever speed it chose, picking up other passengers to go along on this glorious adventure of streetcar riding.
Wayne Dyer, The Power of Intention

What sights will you be taking in?

I’m finding myself concluding that this is not mine to determine… that I would focus on reaching for the strap, finding myself light enough to float up to the hanging handle… and feeling safe… and taken where I am destined to go, at whatever speed I am to be going, picking up other passengers on this glorious adventure of streetcar riding.

Oh God, Spirit of Jesus, Christ Consciousness, Love… Angels, Guides… Cause me to float up to the trolley strap and trust that we’re headed safely to the next depot. Allow me to build relationships with other passengers in the car in which I’ve found myself. May I shine and remind us all of the Journey and the Destination, the value in the experiences we allow, the Truth of Unconditional Love, the healing power of Grace, and the staying power of Gratitude. Amen.

And so it is. ❤

Consumed

Day Seven

Words.

Poetry.

Lyrics.

Such power to move me.

When I write and when I read, I am changed. I can feel the energies pouring into me, coming up from within, and splashing out. There is nothing better. For me. This is how I move, feel, flow, experience fully.

I know that I know that I was created to eat words, to consume them and allow them to become a part of me. Maybe it’s what Jesus meant.

Eat my body. Drink my blood.
Jesus

Knowledge for knowledge’s sake is useless at best and harmful at worst. My knowing stuff doesn’t help me or another one bit. My understanding of something helps to a degree, if I am living it. I am led lately to revisit previous words in which I felt a big shift within me… such big knowledge, transforming my understanding… and sup upon them a bit more. Had I really completely sucked the marrow from the bone? Perhaps there is more for me in those letters.

I have begun to keep a more detailed diary of my thoughts upon reading words that move me, passages that I feel into my body. I am so hungry, so thirsty! I crave more… for the purpose of understanding, ingesting, understanding more deeply, and sharing myself with the world.

Sharing myself, not my knowledge, but my-self… my innermost Truth… my heart. Me.

Knowledge without Love is empty.

God, make me a channel of your Peace.

Oh, how grateful I am to all the poets and writers, authors and feelers… brave enough, unselfish enough, open enough… to share their hearts. Themselves.

Real. Raw. Genuine.

Unapologetic.

Vulnerable.

By the end of this life, I pray that I too would be eaten up and drunk in to the last crumb and drop. My life, well lived, well poured out.

Amen.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

Pushing the boundaries.

Daring to dream, color outside the lines.

I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?
Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.
Mary Oliver

Stirring.

Liberating.

Lose yourself, lose yourself in this Love.
When you lose yourself in this Love, you will find everything.
Lose yourself, lose yourself.
Do not fear this loss for you will rise from the earth and embrace the endless heavens.
Lose yourself, lose yourself.
Escape from the black cloud that surrounds you then you will see your own light as radiant as the full moon.
Now enter that silence. This is the surest way to lose yourself.
What is your life about anyway?
Nothing but a struggle to become someone.
Nothing but a running from your own silence.
Rumi

Provoking.

Deep.

Like, I can’t be the same after eating-drinking of these words.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

God, allow that I would sup, be supped upon… allow that I would be brave, throw myself out there, risk, bud.

LIVE.

And so it is.