The Road Taken

Day 26

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Just a few minutes ago, I was listening to a YouTube therapist who I follow. She said something that caused my body to react. I experienced a visceral reaction to her personal story of almost quitting her YouTube channel. She’d had her third child and was overwhelmed with all there was to do as their mother. Finding herself without adequate time and energy, she and her partner were trying to brainstorm ways to maintain her channel – which she loved so much – while still be the all-in-hands-on mother she also loved so much.

Sometimes, we as mothers – we as parents – get used to giving up what we care about.

Emma McAdam

Without warning, my whole body began to tremble and I began to softly cry. Tears welled up, rolled down my cheeks. I found myself feeling, literally feeling in my body, the exhaustion and overwhelm and the almost-constant sacrifice of having raised five children – my Five Beautiful Souls. 

It surprised me that there was obviously energetic residue within my physiology of… hmmm, sadness? Something within me related to what she said about “giving up what we care about” or at least something within me was triggered by this sentiment of sacrificial parenting.

As I continue to ponder this, I’m not sure it is exactly sadness I was processing so much as it was just allowing myself to admit that I did give up what I cared about much of the time – it was what my life asked of me as I chose to create a big family – and I was perfectly happy to give up, to sacrifice, to forgo… but had never allowed myself the time to grieve.

I was happy to sacrifice for my children. But I still grieved. I had chosen this path. Which meant there was a road not taken.

And this morning, upon her sharing her story, I guess I realized that within me lay seeds of grief – grief for the life I didn’t choose because I wanted many children. Absolutely no regrets whatsoever… oh my goodness, my children are my favorite creations! I feel I’ve done the world a great service by sharing these FBS… I’d do it again, choice offered. 🙂

But because I had said YES to a big family, I also said NO to some dreams that I’d entertained up until that point. I went “this way” which meant that I didn’t go “that way.”

Today, I allowed myself some time to grieve these dreams. Dreams that, note well, I am not at all interested in making a reality anymore. I’ve changed! My desires have shifted from ME to WE.

Famous singer in a band? Nah. I’m good. Independent artist living in North Carolina, wearing hippie skirts and donning flowers in my hair? Nah. (Though I do enjoy wearing flowers in my hair.) 🙂 Getting in my car without a map and just going and seeing the world? Nah. Doesn’t sound quite as exciting anymore… compared to sitting here, playing cards with FBS. Or making them dinner. Or listening to their hopes and dreams. Or being on the receiving end of their laughter and hugs.

The things I thought I wanted to experience changed when I met each of my FBS. My other dreams paled in comparison. Sacrifice? Sure. But regret? Not a shred.

But grieve? The body feels things that the mind is unaware remain. And some part of me still held breath, remained overwhelmed, maybe a tad disappointed (which feels different than regret to me)… because holding space for FBS has been the most exhausting, exciting, empowering act I’ve ever done or will ever do. And it has been worth it and I’d do it all again. I love my life. I’m thrilled with my decisions. I own this life. I’m all in.

But today, I became aware that there was a part of me that was still a little tired. Overwhelmed. Needed to release, feel, allow, and move energies.

This is not everyone’s experience nor would I say that it is everyone’s purpose in life… to sacrifice. But I know FOR SURE that it is mine. I incarnated to experience giving, sacrificing, creating safe space, and witnessing others fulfill their destinies.

As it turns out, Emma did not quit her YouTube channel. She and her partner decided to put their faith in God’s Plan A – create a channel – and to live it one day, one video, at a time. She currently has 750,000 subs and creates amazing content regularly. I’m thankful she stayed the course.

I did, in fact, sacrifice dreams, hours of sleep, sitting down to meals, quiet living, rock star status, seeing the big wide world… to be the parent I wanted to be. No one forced, coerced, shamed, or insisted that I sacrifice anything. It was my choice to create these Five Beautiful Souls and then my desire to witness them full-time. It didn’t have to be that way, but this became my new dream, replacing most of my other dreams.

As I continue to let these energies and the thought patterns unpack themselves, offer their messages, and prepare to dissolve, I am realizing that the idea of sacrificing may have a negative connotation… and yet I am finding that it DOESN’T feel sour or bad in my body… Sacrifice has nudged me to acknowledge It, to sit with It, to see It…

And I’m wondering now – what if sacrificing is a sacred act which is not worthy of pity or anger or regret… but is an action which asks us to stop, slow down a bit, breathe, and know that we are choosing our life. And sometimes to choose “this”, you say no to “that” even if for a season.

Yes, to be a good parent, you have to sacrifice, but this is not a requirement of parenting. It is a requirement of being good at something.

Robert Breault

Choosing to create FBS – which I did both consciously and unconsciously – meant the trajectory of my life was going to change. I was as wide-eyed and open-hearted as I could be as I said YES to each soul coming… but honoring myself as a Soul who would experience putting another before myself (even if it was just feeding the baby who was crying before allowing myself a few minutes to scarf a protein bar) was an act that I had forgotten to also take time to do… until this morning.

Before Emma shared her story, I was holding on to exhaustion and overwhelm; her comment triggered my body to share its long-held message; I stopped. Listened. Allowed. Heard. Held myself. Honored myself. And now I feel more peaceful, more sure than ever that I’m living the life of my dreams!

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost

I still have dreams. I am a dreamer, after all. And how exciting to ponder them… embracing how wonderful my life has turned out to be with FBS added by Grace… to a life that would now feel incomplete without them.

Already, it’s an amazing day indeed. ❤

Wild. Precious. Simple.

Day 25

Sing. Run. Serve.

Off to band practice here in a bit. I’ve always wanted to be part of a band. I love the music, the lyrics, the camaraderie, the performance. Everything about Band Life completely jazzes me. 

What will you do with this one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver

Sing.

Yesterday’s 50K race still causes me to pause, both because I’m sore – holy hip flexors, Batman – but also because I continue to feel the effects of the runner’s high. One of the best feelings ever.

What will you do with this one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver

Run.

Later today, I will sit down with my date book and schedule my following week. It’s important to my soul’s growth and well-being that I create content, hold office hours for clients to make appointments, and pray. Pray for me; pray for my family and friends; pray for the world. 

What will you do with this one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver

Serve.

My own version of Eat. Pray. Love. 🙂

You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

Elizabeth Gilbert

It’s a simple life with simple pleasures. Today, I am thankful indeed. ❤

The Magic of Sneakers

Day 24

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.

Buddha

It was cold. 

Frozen-50k cold to be exact. 

Running a 5k loop (3.1 miles) around beautiful Cassadaga Lake ten times in teen-degrees and lotsa snow on the road was my plan today… and I DID IT.

And it was cold. And slushy. 

And I have, yet again, proven to myself that I am powerful and strong beyond measure, both in physical prowess and mental faculty.

I am, in fact, amazing. 🙂

What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.

Buddha

Wasn’t always this way… er, I have always been amazing… but I didn’t know it and therefore didn’t act upon it. My life was full of victimhood and feeling like the world was against me. My thoughts had me twisted and turned all over the place. Fragile, easily offended, fearful. I lived a pitiful life, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s often our own thinking that hurts us. There’s no reason to imprison yourself. Don’t think outside the box. Think like there is no box.

marcangel

And then I discovered Running. I had always walked, lifted some weights, danced a little or sweated at step aerobics class. These were fun, grounding, and helped my mood FOR THE MOMENT. Struggling as I did in anxiety, I was thankful for the temporary high. Problem is, it never stayed. My thoughts returned to beat me down again. 

Until Running and I became fast friends. Lovers, really.

I discovered that running – longer runs, especially – radically shifted my mental game. Most may think running is about physical gain, and there’s that too, but running miles and miles is a MENTAL practice. If I started thinking negatively, it was over. I could talk myself out of finishing. I could talk myself right into tapping early. 

To keep going on these long runs, I had to unlearn the negative self-talk and learn to encourage myself. What I began to realize was a positivity that lasted way past the run itself. I could be high and happy for a day, two, three, following a long run. 🙂

Train your mind to see the good in everything. Positivity is a choice. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. 

marcangel

I’m thankful to have found Running. Our relationship has changed my whole life. Running has been an integral player in my discovering that I am capable of so much more than I’d allowed myself to imagine. As I laced up for those long runs, and spent time on the road for hours, I found myself believing in the endless possibilities of a joy-filled life, abundant in health and laughs.

Running has helped me see myself differently. I used to chide myself, toes to the line at a race or at a group run gathering, “you’re not a runner… you’re thick-thighed and slow… what are you thinking, being out here among these runners?” 

But, dammit, I kept running and I kept gathering with the groups and I kept signing up for races. I did it afraid and I kept doing it. And have kept doing it.

I am, in fact, a runner. 🙂

During today’s cold and long run, I constantly encouraged myself, “One loop done, nine to go. Two loops done, eight to go.” And I would envision myself crossing the finish line at ten loops and HOW THAT WOULD FEEL to do so.

I would not entertain thoughts of “this is too hard and I’m too old” – it WAS hard but I am definitely NOT too old – nor “well, eight is good, right?” Indeed, eight is amazing… but it’s not ten. And ten was my plan. It was what felt right today.

And so, this evening I can’t help but ponder how magical that this upgraded way of thinking began with something as simple as a pair of sneakers, a willingness to feel uncomfortable, and patience. Never more than now do I see the incredible connection between mind and body, and how they directly influence each other. 

What if becoming happier, less anxious, more joyful, less depressed, more hopeful… is as simple, as profoundly basic as tying up your sneakers and heading out into the woods? Would we finally discover the truth of who we are? For we are powerful beyond measure. Magical, indeed.

You do not find a happy life. You make it.

Camilla Kimball

I am, in fact, making it. 🙂

One mile at a time.

Lisa Augustine Glasier

Intuitive Energy Readings

Life Coaching

Crossroads

Day 23

Being angry is like holding a piece of burning coal in your hand and hoping the other person feels pain.

Wendy Merron

There are those who are incessed – or maybe just confused, befuddled – by my refusal to be angry. The fact is that I was angry. I’m just not angry anymore. It’s a frequency that no longer exists in my body. I have processed this anger, allowed it to speak its message, and eventually dissolve, and now I have ample space for Love. Which is a much easier vibration in which to live and move and breathe and have my being. Because Love is Who I AM.

You cannot see your reflection in boiling water. Similarly, you cannot see truth in a state of anger.

To be clear, what happened WAS awful and life-changing and shitty and not okay at all. I am not now nor have I ever thought otherwise. Being mean and hateful and abusive to another – especially when that other is a defenseless child, for the Love of Goodness – is never, ever acceptable.

Understandable. I understand why hurt people hurt people. Most often, bullies bully. Hurt people hurt and then hurt people. It’s a cycle. I get it. I understand it. Understanding is not a pass, and it’s not condoning or minimizing. It’s saying, “I get why shit happens in the messiness of earth life.”

So, being on the receiving end of bullying, of hurtful behavior, of abuse… what do you do with this? Do you continue the bullying, hurting, abusive reactions? Or do you choose to stop the cycle?

Choosing to stop the cycle very often means you don’t get “closure.” And by closure, I mean APOLOGY. More often than not, you don’t get the apology you think you need to be able to forgive the other one. 

It’s hard to wrap our heads around it, but you don’t NEED the acknowledgement that they understand what they did, you don’t NEED them to realize how it affected you, and and you don’t NEED them to feel  and express their remorse.

This is high vibe frequency thinking.

More often than not, you forgive sans apology. Because forgiveness is more about the one who got hurt than it is the one who did the hurting.

My Story:

I remember well approaching my offenders and – oh, God, I was so proud of myself, felt so spiritual and big-hearted, like I’d finally topped the tallest mountain and could see for miles  – I shared, “I forgive you for what you did.”

Their response floored me: “For what we did? For what we did?! For. What. We Did.!?”

Daddy, forgive them because they have no idea what they’re doing.

Jesus

It’s so hard for us to wrap our hearts and heads around the idea that those choosing such hateful behavior could not know what they’re doing, isn’t it? I mean, how can someone NOT know that you don’t beat a child, humiliate a teenager, withhold parental unconditional love and safe space… for so many of us, these are holy no-duh’s. Like, of course you care deeply for your child. Of course you protect your child. Of course THERE IS NO “last straw.”

And yet. Life is messy and people are numb and hurting and refusing to wake up, own their choices, and create sacred relationships.

Again, not a pass! People live and behave from a consciousness. Those inflicting such pain are in such pain themselves, swimming in the deep end of REACTION.

There was no connection in them that their behavior was in any way harsh, brittle, and hateful. Their version of the plot line differed – and continues to differ – dramatically from mine. And from what I know to be the Truth. 

Forgiveness is for the Forgiver; it’s freedom for the Forgiver.

So, what do I do with this, then? Do I continue to mull, to stew, to tread water in the mucky pond of my righteousness… going nowhere, but expending a great deal of energy swimming… until they finally wake up, soften up, and ‘fess up?

I could. But that gives my power away. That lets THEM hold all the cards. And I may be waiting until the end of my own life, powerless, angry, focused on the injustice, and LETTING MY LIFE PASS ME BY.

No thanks. You’re forgiven. Not because you’re sorry, but because I am worthy of a brilliant existence which does not include these memories and this heavy vibe of anger. I’m moving on.

If you hate a person, then you’re defeated by them.

Confucius

Not that it’s easy-peasy. Forgiveness, I have found, is a process. Like a beautiful rose opening, it takes time and patience, but damn, it’s a beautiful sight. Smells divine. It’s a holy act to love yourself enough to feel your feelings, acknowledge for yourself their behaviors and how they’ve influenced your actions and choices, and express to yourself the empathy that your heart aches for to heal.

Be for your inner child what you needed: an empathic witness, a generous kind soul who rocks you and tells you that you will thrive through this season, and an encourager who reminds you to choose Love for yourself and — BREAK THE CYCLE.

And this holy path, this road less taken, begs stillness, listening, feeling deeply, owning your own story, seeing others as fragile fucked up souls thrashing around in the shallow end of that same mucky pond you’ve found yourself in, and eventually plugging into a Compassion for everyone involved… and climbing out of that shitty-ass pond onto the shore where Life is abundant and healthy and joyful.

Those perpetrating such hateful actions are clearly out of their minds. I would argue that they are also out of their hearts. 

Clear thinking people, living in Truth and harmony and self-esteem, would never inflict pain on another. As we transform, we understand that our actions return to us, like a boomerang. 

Likewise, open-hearted, kind and gentle souls who practice daily compassion and self-love are growing into the knowledge that Love returns 100-fold! We begin to remember that we all One and when One hurts, all of us hurt.  

Forgiveness is among the most challenging holy actions we experience. But it is NOT a “Mission: Impossible.” 

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is imperative – there really is NO OTHER WAY – to feel your feelings of anger. Draw an epsom salt bath, light candles, meditate, write in your journal, compose a letter to your inner child, walk in the woods and allow the animals to comfort you, hug your pet, ask for time-off, participate in a small group geared towards working through deep and wide emotions, go for a run, take up boxing, remember life is long and the road is winding, listen to music… find ways to process the emotions that remain in your physiology. 

Unlearn behavior and thought patterns, create new narratives, recalibrate your energies, open your heart chakra. It is possible! I’m living proof.

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.

There is life past the pain. It’s just the way there is through…

Through to a softened heart, awakening to Love and Potential and Abundance.

Through to a clearer mind, enlightening to Truth and Wisdom and Peace.

Dear Soul, release the burning coal. It’s hot. And you are tired. Dare to feel again. ❤

What will you choose to do with the anger, dear One? Which path will you take?

The way we choose to see the world creates the world we see.

Barry Neil Kaufman

Thank Dog!

Day 22

Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.

Colette

Come here, “Dog.” – Husband

I saw him coming out of my office, wiping the white fluffy fur out of his palms on the legs of his tattered work jeans.

Your dog is in your office, waiting for you. – Husband

He pretends not to like her. It’s like their dance, or something. When he thinks I’m not looking, he rubs her belly, feeds her some of his dinner, and smooches her nose… okay, that’s probably just me and he probably doesn’t smooch her nose. I smooch her nose.

Husband does smooch my nose, though. So, there’s that. ❤

It was my idea to get FurButt Gigi… saw her picture on my Facebook feed and couldn’t look away. This has never happened before to me and I’m not sure it will ever happen again. A dog was never in our plan. I was never, ever going to pick up dog poop. Period.

We wanted a full house! Five Beautiful Souls, yes. Countless cats, sure. Fish galore, bring it. Plants out the wazoo, absolutely.

But a dog? Uhm, nope.

So, just as Five Beautiful Souls have found their way into their own homes… that face. Her eyes. It was her eyes… and her ear… oh, and her fur… aw, shit. She had me at “yip.”

Husband and I thought we were too independent and free-spirited for the routine of a dog, but we’ve grown to enjoy that early morning constitutional. It’s usually just me and Gigi, but on occasion Husband – who insists he NOT be called Papa by Gigi; he’s Steven to her, thankyouverymuch – joins us. For her part, Gigi is good with calling him Steven. Or Tall Thin Dude. 

I am Mama GG and I like it that way. 🙂

She has brought more joy and grounding into our lives than I ever thought possible. She waits quietly, patiently, right by our chairs at dinnertime for her little treat. She licks most everyone who comes to visit. (You’ve been forewarned!) 

She’s made fast friends of all four, er six if you count the two in the barn, cats. One of the funniest things is to watch the cats eat the dog food and slurp up the dog water… oh, these fur babies! 😀

Animals are such agreeable friends; they ask no questions, pass no criticisms.

George Eliot

Truth be shared, I am a great deal of work. Intense, moody, passionate. Always busy thinking, feeling, dreaming, studying, reading… and I’m thankful for such patient lovers as Husband and Gigi.

She missed you while you were gone. – Husband

I really did, Mama GG. – FurButt Gigi

Until one has loved an animal, part of one’s soul remains unawakened.

Anatole France

I think Gigi may be gifted as you can set a clock according to her treat schedule. Every night at exactly 7:15, she plops herself down by the kitchen counter under the cupboard and quietly eyeballs us until she gets her treat.

Then, off to the living room to hide  under the table while she snarfs it down. Then a quick wagging of the tail to let us know it’s time to head back outside – rain, snow, lightening, sunshine – for exactly 15 minutes before she hightails it back inside for bed. She has her own little spot on the end of the couch.

She likes a quick belly rub and to be snuggled into her blanket with her baby, thank you.

Three daily walks. Two meals. A number of snacks.

And for what in return?

PURE LOVE.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then I want to go where they went.

Will Rogers

Amen to that! I’ll even pick up the poop. ❤

Choosing Peace

Day 21

Somehow, you are both the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

We’re going for lunch today, meeting at a halfway point. She asked, I concurred. When I checked in with my body – used mindful breathwork, sat quietly, located where I feel energies when I think of her and ponder our meeting – it felt okay.

I was actually curious. We have never done this. It’s just not the way we roll. She and Dad do their own thing, live their own lives. I’ve got Husband and our Five Beautiful Souls, but they’ve never expressed interest in us so, though we only live an hour away from each other all these near forty years, we’ve not gathered.

For this, I feel sad. And by sad, I mean sad for them. Oh, Husband is so kind. His vibe is something you wanna have in your life! And FBS – their grandchildren – I mean… who doesn’t want a relationship with Pure Love. I see how my in-laws have softened throughout the years, the grandchildren offering a purity and perspective that has shifted their frequency and maybe even made their countenance healthier.

Surely, added lotsa laughter, memories, and purpose!

And then there’s me, their daughter… and I’m pretty intense and sometimes a lot of work, but I like to think I’m worth it. 🙂

And so… today… I ponder why God would have her and I commiserate over a sandwich or a bowl of salad, maybe dessert. What’s up, I wonder? My growing up years with her – our times together – very, very difficult. Confusing, scary, abusive.

However awful the storm of my disappointment, it’s a response that belongs to me. It’s my heart, after all. My territory, my kingdom. And since I’m the only one with the authority to surrender it, I can also take it back.

Helen Oyeyemi

There were YEARS that I tried to “get them to love me” and approve of me and see me… some would say wasted years, but are they truly wasted if I gleaned wisdom from it all? I mean, sure, I’d like to just know this wisdom without having to have had the rough experiences, but that’s not the way True Wisdom usually rolls. Wisdom begs personal experience. 

I have grown very wise specifically because of her, of him, of our dysfunctional relationship over the years. Our relationship offered a myriad of opportunities for recalibrating my energies, rethinking my paradigms, reconsidering my thoughts, unlearning inherited ways of coping, and learning new and higher vibrational truths.

And for this, I am exceedingly thankful.

I am nobody’s victim. When I recall the many ways in which we all chose to participate – or not to participate – in each other’s lives, I refuse to view my part as one who was abused. They chose not to engage in a relationship with me, Husband, FBS. This action is on them. They may take ownership of their actions.

What if they owed me nothing? What would my viewpoint be then? How would I feel about our relationships then?

I remain strong and stable as I stand in my reaction to their apathy. Very often, I cried, my heart broken, confused. But slowly, surely, I walked through this particular valley of the shadow of death and came through to the other side of Love.

I get to choose how I respond. 

And – so vital is this point – how I respond directly impacts ME. Should I respond with spewing, I get spewed on too. Should I respond with anger, I get angered on too. Should I respond with sarcasm and hate, I get sarcasmed and hated upon as well.

It’s not what you look at that matters. It’s what you see.

Henry David Thoreau

As my consciousness awakens, and as I remember my Divinity, and as I come to understand the purpose for Incarnation, I am able to witness, stay in peace, and respond in Love as Love.

Which doesn’t necessarily look like, “hey, shit all over me and I’ll just play in it!” That’s not Love. Love says, “I have space for you to be you right where you’re at right now, and I have enough love for myself and passion for all of us to allow you to be on your journey, even if that means shitting on me… so, because I don’t want to play in shit, I’ll be over here… praying for you to wake up and remember that you are Divine, you are Love, and we are One. And I will rejoice beside you the day this happens… and encourage you as you grab lotsa paper towels and begin the clean-up process.”

Difficult relationships can bring inspiration, education, experience, opportunity, wisdom, and soul growth. If we allow this! Should we find ourselves lost in “the unfairness of it all” then we remain treading water in a pond that is stagnant and going nowhere. No judgment, of course, but also just a lot of continued difficulties.

We are bound to repeat what we do not heal.

So, thank you to these two souls. I wish them well. 

Not all storms come to disrupt your life… some come to clear your path.

It is well with my soul. ❤

Mom & Grace & Me

Day 20

To forgive is not to excuse what the other person did. It’s to prevent their behavior from destroying your heart.

As I look around my office today, waiting for Inspiration to stir up within me and start me to typing… I notice how many “Mom” references I have hanging on the walls, perched on my desk and the table, and even hanging from the ceiling.

I ❤ Mom

Austin, green paint on blue wood

I love being a Mom. If we enter into skin to experience something, surely among my many dreams was motherhood. Nurturing, listening, cooking, doing laundry, cleaning… love it all… even giving birth was exciting… ah, the finding out I was pregnant, the increasing waist size,  the preparing the room for baby, the being ready to be done already… loved it all… 

Mom

Alisia, hand-scribbled picture of me (long hair past my toes)

Husband and I have been blessed with Five Beautiful Souls, ten years apart from first to fifth. Ah, I even loved breastfeeding! All that snuggling… “sorry, can’t do that; I’m nursing the baby.” Loved the bonding… and the connection that has lasted the test of time, including those oft vexing teenage years.

Mom, saved my going-out money for you.

Andrew, hand-written note with $ folded, attached

I think that having my own children to mother – and all their friends – helped me work through the mother wound I experienced due to a lack of a relationship with my own mother. Through the messiness of life and divorce and her own woundedness, Mom didn’t hang out for too long. With few memories, I now try to recall just the ones that feel good to me. (I have processed most of those that hurt on the way in. It’s been a journey.)

Through much healing and prayer, research and quiet pondering, I have come to believe that people do the best they know how in that very moment. When they know better, they do better. I realize that this is not a popular opinion nor does this perspective make it okay that so many of us are aching, wounded, oozing, and – be still my heart – this damage occurred at the hands of those who were to protect us, provide for us, and nurture in Love.

Stuffed animals on the shelf

Former students

When this doesn’t happen, we are left to heal ourselves, nurture ourselves toward a space of Love, Peace, and Safety. We motherless or mother-wounded souls are left to mother ourselves. So often, we are well into our adult years before we realize the damage we’ve incurred and the damage we ourselves have inflicted, possibly on our own children. Unintentional, yes, but this is the cycle.

Hurt people hurt people. Hurt moms sometimes become moms who hurt their own children. And on and on it goes.

Therein lies the need for compassion. Let us hold ourselves accountable, yes, but also with kindness, gentleness, and patience. When we do so, I believe that at some point on the journey back to ourselves and a healed countenance… we will find ourselves with enlightened perspective towards those who hurt us, who caused us to crawl inside ourselves and self-protect, cease to trust too early, too long… and, miraculously, even willing to offer that same kindness, gentleness, and patience to them as we’ve allowed for ourselves. 

If anything, forgiveness softens. Softens our own hardened, frightened hearts… brings understanding that relationships are messy, humans messed up, and this earthly existence is hard. 

But it’s also temporary. Our time on the earth, in this skin and among these people, it’s temporary. It’s training ground. It’s experience, it’s knowing what love is and what love isn’t. It’s coming to understand that everyone screws up, even the most well-intentioned. 

I remember well the day I told one of my FBS that he would be a loser if he kept up his work ethic. He was nine years old. 

I was doing what I knew, acting how I was raised. It wasn’t until a little later that I woke up to knowing that my words were knives, cutting to the core of his heart. I was devastated by my behavior… and apologized deeply to him… tried to “make things better”, but not before he got hurt. This pained me, took my breath away once I realized what I had done!… but the possibility of Life between us was still there. I am humbled to report that he has forgiven me.

Mom, I already forgave you. Let it go now.

Any one of my children, upon my asking for forgiveness for one thing or another over the years

We can choose to remain bitter, folded over, and weary. Or we can breathe into the memories, cry-scream-move them through our bodies, and accept Peace to reside within us. 

Healing does not mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.

And, for me, the magical thing about this Peace is that, marinating in it for long enough, I soften all the more… to a desire to forgive injuring parties. I see more clearly that shit happens, but we have a choice with what to do with that shit.

Kick it around and piss-n-moan… or search for the pony.

To Mom from your favorite Son

Alex, in a card

I think maintaining a sense of humor has, in some way, helped. Maybe the laughter, which is super high vibe, has allowed me times of Soaring Above It All, of seeing the Bigger Picture. The Indigo Girls croon, “it’s only life, afterall” and maybe there’s some speck of truth in this. We demand to be treated well and perfectly and yet this world is aching and people are fucked up. Hurt people hurt people.

I love you Mom. There is no way I can not love you. I want to stay with you forever.

Alisia, on a postcard, decorated with three butterflies

Mom passed years ago and we never got a chance to explore a relationship. Maybe it would have been strained, maybe it would have been amazing. I’ll never know. I like to think that maybe we would have been friends. Why not think of the possibilities of Good? Of healing? Of reconnecting and laughter? I am at peace and I hope she is too, wherever she hangs her bonnet now.

Morning, Mom. I’m going to try to swing by later today.

Adam, in a text message just now

Yes, life has been complicated and shitty and unfair and hilarious and scary and amazing and full… full of Five Beautiful Souls helping me heal and know Love and be loved and remember – in and amongst all those ponies – that there is still the possibility of Love in the world.

I’m not sure I have earned being loved so deeply by my children. I can tell you that I tried my hardest most days, and did the best I knew how in that very moment. And every day, I continue to feel more whole and healed and loving.

As soon as the healing occurs, go out and heal someone else.

Maya Angelou

Being on the receiving end of such Grace has been healing… and so… how can I withhold such Grace from another? And, when I vibe at Grace’s frequency, I know that I am more and more healed… and that Life is unfair and hurts but it’s also really, really good too.

And, I dunno, maybe this is the point of all of it somehow… ❤

YEE-HAW!

Day 19

If you can push through that feeling of being scared, that feeling of taking a risk, really amazing things can happen.

Marissa Mayer

I hate it when Life is asking me to do something scary. Like anyone would be, I can be complacent and prefer the quiet, comfortable life. 

It’s okay to be scared. It means you’re about to do something really brave.

A couple of years ago, I had an idea for hosting my own podcast based upon StoryTeller and Listener. I got all jazzed, doing all the behind-the-scenes footwork. I created the site, the logo, made a YouTube channel playlist, wrote out my list of possible interviewees. I scripted the intro and outro…

And then it sat there. Doing absolutely nothing. 

For two years.

Because, well, I’m scared.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing, for one. And for another, the idea of putting myself out there is bigly, hugely overwhelming. I keep thinking of the myriad of ways this could go badly. There’s this voice in my head that hisses, “stay small, stay quiet, nobody wants what you have to offer anyway, this sounds like a lot of work, and besides… STAY SMALL.”

Which sounds really super tempting.

Dammit. 😦

Being scared is part of being alive. Accept it. Walk through it.

Robin Sharma

And yet, I can’t stop hearing this other voice, equally as loud and perhaps a bit more compelling, “you were born for this, that God-spark in you will be with you every step of the way, people love you and are going to benefit greatly from you putting yourself out there, and besides… AREN’T YOU CURIOUS AS TO HOW WELL THIS COULD BLOSSOM?”

Stop being so scared of the unknown and start being more scared of never knowing.

metamorphosismeg

I don’t want to live my life “scared of”… I’m determined to move forward on this dream – not because I think Oprah is gonna notice (though THAT would be really cool!) or because I think I’ll be the next great podcast host (though, come on now, that would be delicious!) or even because millions of souls are going to heal via the sacred stories shared on the podcast (though, THAT would be brilliant and awesome and happy-happy-joy-joy!) I am going to set my feet on the ground and my ass in the host chair and press play on the laptop because I would rather mess up than miss out.

I would rather mess up than miss out.

Soooooo… what if I toss it out there and it flops? Time lost, some embarrassment, out some dough…

BUT what if I share it out there and it freakin’ skyrockets, or even has ten faithful listeners? Uhm, heck yeah! 🙂

One of the great discoveries someone makes, one of the great surprises, is to find he can do what he thought he couldn’t do.

Henry Ford

Bestie and I start most of our hair-brained, I’m-not-sure-this-is-such-a-good-idea adventures out with WTFN… ya know, why not?

Instead of thinking of all that could go wrong, start thinking of all that could go right.

By nature, I have always been curious. Insatiably curious. Which is why I think the podcast may do quite well. Questions, digging deep, holding safe space… easy and fun for me. Wondering aloud, asking gently, tenderly digging, inviting dreaming… ah, love it… these all come naturally for me. 🙂

Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway.

John Wayne

And so, today I am promising myself that I will set up the equipment and sit Husband and me down and press PLAY and get this party started. Focusing on all that could go so good, all the fun he and I will have together sharing our fun chemistry with the world, and watching something I dreamed of come to life… this will be my perspective. 

Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile… initially scared me to death.

Betty Bender

Saddle ’em up, my friends, and somebody gimme a “Yee-haw!”

YEE-HAW! 🙂

Two Ears

Day 18

Two ears, one mouth.

Dear Listener, You freakin’ rock my world!

Husband is an excellent listener… and with so much excitable energy which usually makes its way out of my mouth, I’m blessed by his calm, grounded, open heart… which looks like his listening to me and making comments only as adds to our discussion.

He truly listens to hear, not just to reply. We’ve been together for nearly 36 years now – omg, really?! – and his ability to hold space and allow me to share my heart, my thoughts, my hope and dreams, my fears and concerns, has kept us together.

God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer.

Mother Teresa

Dear Listener, You freakin’ rock our world!

This morning, I shared a short message with the Unitarian Universalist Congregation… they remained rapt in their attention for the entire time. I felt so respected, seen, heard, valued. What. A. Gift. I am so thankful for this group of care-ful, compassionate visionaries. They bless me again and again. ❤

Dear Listener, You freakin’ rock this whole world!

Finished with work, I walked up front to the other offices and enjoyed a great conversation with two of my co-laborers in the field. Fine, kind-hearted, hilarious, generous souls are they! And by conversation, I mean that I unpacked years of my life while they held each word tenderly, asked perfect questions and offered tender encouragement and insightful observation. I really am the most blessed soul. My job is brilliant and the souls with whom I work are of the highest vibration.

Dear Listener, You freakin’ rock our world!

God, allow me to be one who listens well, holds tender, safe space, keeps eye contact, meets others at the heart space, and offers a hug and a smile as appropriate. When others walk away from being with me, may they feeling like they mattered, they were heard, they were held, they were treasured. May they experience Love with me, knowing that they do not need fixing or figuring out, but only to be allowed to share their hearts and know that they were heard.

Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another that both attracts and heals.

I. J. Isham

Saturday’s Laughter

Day 17

If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.

Proverb

Thankful to Husband. Saturdays is our grocery shopping date. He calls it “foreplay” because we both love it so much. Truly. We gotta have plenty of food in the house because I enjoy feeding people – it’s my love language – and he enjoys eating. We’re a match made in the fresh vegetables aisle. 🙂

Laughter – (n.) when a smile has an orgasm

Today, however, he had to go it alone… which sounds way different as I type this than I am intending, but it’s nearly zero degrees out again today and we could use a good dose of the giggles so there ya go… I am preparing to share to a group (the wonderful, sweetest-ever Unitarian Universalist Group) via zoom and I mentioned wanting just a bit more time to pray, ponder, and prepare.

“You stay here and do what you do and I’ll get the grocery shopping done. You can help me unpack when I get home. Deal?”

Deal! … and I headed upstairs to my office and got to work.

He wasn’t home when I was finished with my paperwork, so I hopped in the shower… and headed downstairs… to find him finishing his second breakfast (his fave meal of the day.)

“All done and unpacked, Babe!” he reported, stabbing an egg with a toast corner.

He’s really the easiest energy for me in the world. He’s stable, grounded, predictable, quirky, gets my humor, gives the best foot massages, and is a generous, gifted human being both in and out of the bedroom. My happiness is his happiness…. 🙂

Which is probably way too much information… and highly inappropriate… but it’s nearly zero degrees out again today and, well, 🙂

Always find a reason to laugh. It may not add years to your life but it will surely add life to your years.